Steven Wright quotes - page 10

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." (Steven Wright)

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Steven Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Steven Wright

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

Steven Wright

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

Steven Wright

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Steven Wright

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Steven Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Steven Wright

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

Steven Wright

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Steven Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Steven Wright

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Steven Wright

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

Steven Wright

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

Steven Wright

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' (Steven Wright)

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often?

Steven Wright

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Steven Wright

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Steven Wright

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