Steven Wright quotes

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. (Steven Wright)
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. View quote
Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. View quote
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people? View quote
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." View quote
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. View quote
Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus? View quote
Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. View quote
Steven Wright
You can't have everything... where would you put it? View quote
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. View quote
Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. (Steven Wright)
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. View quote
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. View quote
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. View quote
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' View quote
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. View quote
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. View quote
Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. View quote
Steven Wright
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it. View quote
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. (Steven Wright)
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it. View quote
Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone. View quote
Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. View quote
Steven Wright
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? View quote
Steven Wright