David Letterman quotes

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. (David Letterman)
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. View quote
David Letterman
Nothing-believe me-nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death. View quote
David Letterman
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. View quote
David Letterman
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. View quote
David Letterman
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. View quote
David Letterman
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. View quote
David Letterman
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. View quote
David Letterman
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. View quote
David Letterman
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. View quote
David Letterman
Now all of us can talk to the NSA-just by dialing any number. (David Letterman)
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour...religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense? View quote
David Letterman
All right, that's pretty much all I got. The only thing I have left to do, for the last time on a television program: Thank you and good night. View quote
David Letterman
There is no off position on the genius switch. View quote
David Letterman
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. View quote
David Letterman
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. View quote
David Letterman
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. View quote
David Letterman
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. View quote
David Letterman
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. View quote
David Letterman
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. View quote
David Letterman
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. (David Letterman)
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. View quote
David Letterman
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. View quote
David Letterman
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. View quote
David Letterman
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. View quote
David Letterman