Stephen Colbert quotes - page 4

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. (Stephen Colbert)
Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. View quote
Stephen Colbert
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. View quote
Stephen Colbert
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. View quote
Stephen Colbert
You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn't happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people? View quote
Stephen Colbert
I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome! Your great country [of China] makes our Happy Meals possible! View quote
Stephen Colbert
We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked. (Stephen Colbert)
If I want to say he didn't that's my right, and now, thanks to Wikipedia - it's also a fact. View quote
Stephen Colbert
After acting for so many years, do you know who you are anymore? Because actors are liars basically, you lie about who you are to an audience. View quote
Stephen Colbert
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city... Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center, and a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar I guess is what I'm describing. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Well, I thought it was funny. View quote
Stephen Colbert
(on Alex Jones) He is a terrible person who lies for a living. View quote
Stephen Colbert
At Pottery Barn, if you knock over a lamp, you have to glue it back together, even if when you're done it looks terrible and it doesn't work. Oh, and you have to stay in the store forever. Oh, and it's an exploding lamp. View quote
Stephen Colbert
The message of Christ isn't that you can't kill me. The message of Christ is you can kill me and that's not death. View quote
Stephen Colbert
When you're in this room, I don't know how to describe it. It's soaked in history. It just washes over you. I mean, it's not even like it's in the past. You're in history. You're in it. (Stephen Colbert)
Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me! View quote
Stephen Colbert
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' View quote
Stephen Colbert
I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way. View quote
Stephen Colbert