Stephen Colbert quotes - page 3

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. (Stephen Colbert)
I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. View quote
Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. View quote
Stephen Colbert
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. View quote
Stephen Colbert
(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005. View quote
Stephen Colbert
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? (Stephen Colbert)
Baby carrots are making me gay. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl. View quote
Stephen Colbert
If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable. View quote
Stephen Colbert
The more you know, the sadder you get. View quote
Stephen Colbert
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. View quote
Stephen Colbert
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear. View quote
Stephen Colbert
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. View quote
Stephen Colbert
it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. (Stephen Colbert)
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. View quote
Stephen Colbert
‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner! View quote
Stephen Colbert
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory. View quote
Stephen Colbert