Stephen Colbert quotes - page 2

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness-just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth. (Stephen Colbert)
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us. View quote
Stephen Colbert
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? View quote
Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! View quote
Stephen Colbert
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country. (Stephen Colbert)
brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms. View quote
Stephen Colbert
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. View quote
Stephen Colbert
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. View quote
Stephen Colbert
By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word. View quote
Stephen Colbert
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half, and polls show America agrees. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Well folks, it's October and you know what that means: only a few more weeks 'til Hallowe'en when my family traditionally puts up our Christmas decorations. People come from far and wide to visit our haunted manger. We make their kids stick their hands in a spoooky bowl of Frankincense!! It's actually just spaghetti. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Stephen: You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They criticize what you say, but they never give you credit for how loud you say it. Or how long you say it. View quote
Stephen Colbert
If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore - and you actually have power over those people. (Stephen Colbert)
And reality has a well-known liberal bias. View quote
Stephen Colbert
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? View quote
Stephen Colbert
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun. View quote
Stephen Colbert
That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. View quote
Stephen Colbert