Stephen Colbert quotes

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. (Stephen Colbert)
Agnostics are just atheists without balls. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices. View quote
Stephen Colbert
It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. View quote
Stephen Colbert
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot... So we said, "Let's give him a promotion." View quote
Stephen Colbert
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. View quote
Stephen Colbert
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. View quote
Stephen Colbert
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible - I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Equations are the devil's sentences. (Stephen Colbert)
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. View quote
Stephen Colbert
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I teach Sunday School, motherfucker. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace. View quote
Stephen Colbert
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything. View quote
Stephen Colbert
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. View quote
Stephen Colbert
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I believe it's yogurt, but I refuse to believe it's not butter. View quote
Stephen Colbert
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. (Stephen Colbert)
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. View quote
Stephen Colbert
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that. View quote
Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. View quote
Stephen Colbert