Les Dawson quotes

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' (Les Dawson)
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. View quote
Les Dawson
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. View quote
Les Dawson
The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. View quote
Les Dawson
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. View quote
Les Dawson
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. View quote
Les Dawson
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. View quote
Les Dawson
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up. View quote
Les Dawson
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. View quote
Les Dawson
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. View quote
Les Dawson
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. (Les Dawson)
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. View quote
Les Dawson
My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' View quote
Les Dawson
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' View quote
Les Dawson
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' View quote
Les Dawson
I know my name will always be linked with women. View quote
Les Dawson
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. View quote
Les Dawson
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' View quote
Les Dawson
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it. View quote
Les Dawson
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever. View quote
Les Dawson
The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. (Les Dawson)
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him. View quote
Les Dawson
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. View quote
Les Dawson
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. View quote
Les Dawson
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. View quote
Les Dawson