Rodney Dangerfield quotes - page 2

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower." View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. View quote
Rodney Dangerfield