Robert Benchley quotes - page 2

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either. (Robert Benchley)
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. View quote
Robert Benchley
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. View quote
Robert Benchley
So who's in a hurry. View quote
Robert Benchley
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't. View quote
Robert Benchley
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. View quote
Robert Benchley
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. Both classes are extremely unpleasant to meet socially, leaving practically no one in the world whom one cares very much to know. View quote
Robert Benchley
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. View quote
Robert Benchley
Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off. View quote
Robert Benchley
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. View quote
Robert Benchley
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. (Robert Benchley)
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. View quote
Robert Benchley
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. View quote
Robert Benchley
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. View quote
Robert Benchley
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author. View quote
Robert Benchley
If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from. View quote
Robert Benchley
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. View quote
Robert Benchley
There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that. View quote
Robert Benchley
Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it. View quote
Robert Benchley
Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk. View quote
Robert Benchley
We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. (Robert Benchley)
A baby is shown sitting on the floor. He appears to be about a year and a half old. Incidentally, he is a very plain baby. Strewn about him on the floor are the toys that he has been playing with. There are a ball, a rattle, a ring, a doll, a bell and a pair of roller-skates. Evidently, the candidate is supposed to be aghast at the roller-skates in the possession of such a small child. The man who drew that picture had evidently never furnished playthings for a small child. I can imagine nothing that would delight a child of a year and a half more than a pair of roller-skates to chew and spin and hit himself in the face with. They could also be dropped on Daddy when Daddy was lying on the floor in an attempt to be sociable. Of all the toys arranged before the child, the roller-skates are the most logical. ... That is my great trouble in taking tests and examinations of any kind. I always want to argue with the examiner, because the examiner is always so obviously wrong. View quote
Robert Benchley
Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. It is especially valuable in this respect in serious writing, and no one without a sense of humor should ever write seriously. For without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it. View quote
Robert Benchley
There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory. View quote
Robert Benchley
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous. View quote
Robert Benchley